And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
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What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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