Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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