Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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