Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
