Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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