Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
