saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
How external is "for external use only"?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
