She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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