I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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