The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
