those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
