I think I won the penis lottery.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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