Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
