Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
