I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
