"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
