Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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