He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
