you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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