the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
