my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
