god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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