And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
