just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
