oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
tell me about the eggs
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