She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
