Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
