Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
ugly people sure do ruin things
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Houston, we have a blender
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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