Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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