I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Im part way to drunk.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
