The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
