im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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