this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
