He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
