i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
