i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She told me I should be a condom model.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
how does that bad decision feel?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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