He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
