Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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