Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Randomize
