I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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