you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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