You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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