My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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