The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
