I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
