At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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