You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
