I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
