Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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