If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
