the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
