Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
