I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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