this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
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explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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