I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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